Cat Rules 101: Feline Fight Club

(I’ve been out showing property since early this morning, so please indulge me with a repost – it was just highly appropriate to the conditions I found when I came home)

The first rule of Feline Fight Club…

“The first rule about fight club is you don’t talk about fight club.”

Cat Rules 101: Energy Efficiency

It is well known that cats are the world’s most energy-efficient creatures.

Being fully solar-powered, cats possess highly developed light-fueled batteries that with a minimum of 12-14 hours of daily charging, can power an adult cat in total darkness at speeds (dependent on terminal velocity and wind shear) upwards of Warp 6. (kindly refer to Cat Rules 101: 3 a.m. Zoomies)

Felines are so advanced in their absorption of energy that during a full daylight charge, they often remain motionless for hours at a time (see origins of word, “catatonic”) and may emit only an occasional “meep” or “mrap” which is an indication that batteries are approaching maximum fill and may need to be “topped off” with a final dose of a piscine-based protein fuel source for optimum speed and maneuverability.

Cat Rules 101: Search and Seizure

Due to the exigencies of the current Global Pandemic any Feline who has achieved the rank of Detective Inspector or higher must have immediate and unquestioned access to analyze and quarantine any suspect packaging.

Please show patience and respect during this process as it is to insure the safety, health and well-being of all involved.

Cat Rules 101: The Scourge of the Dread Vacuum Monster

The Vacuum Monster {ˈvakˌyo͞o(ə)m ˈmänstər}, or catattacus horriblis, is the hereditary enemy of all feline kind. While the Vacuum Monster has been tenuously domesticated by the cat’s human servants, the threat of this alien being, and its legendary reign of terror over living creatures is well documented and the feline must exercise all caution, even removing himself from its presence, in order to maintain from a position of safety, strict observation and monitoring, should the creature wrest control from its temporary restraints and bring havoc and destruction to the world.

The All-Too-Important Conversation about Pet Nick-names

Back in the Mythical Golden Days of 2019, when the Earth was green and there were unicorns, there was a marvelous meme on Twitter about what people called their pets – not their “official” names, but their nicknames-how they actually referred to them commonly.

I think it started with @metroadlib who posted this about her pup:

I found this hysterically funny and realized it hit pretty close-to-home. My kitties have proper names, of course, and since I haven’t produced human offspring, I felt it my duty to carry on family names with the children that I do have – albeit vertically challenged, hairy, and four-pawed.

Keegan is Keegan James Ferguson. His fosterer named him Keegan, because it was Gaelic for “Ball of Fire.” He’s a large, flamboyantly orange, stripey guy and a ballbuster, so it was perfect for him, as well as the fact that I’m of Scottish descent and it was actually beyond perfect that my kid be given a Scottish name.

The “James” is for my dad; it’s his first name. As I couldn’t give my father a human grandchild, I gave him a namesake that I still loved as much as if I’d birthed him. I’m not positive my father fully gets the honor.

When Brodie came along, it actually took me a bit to find his name. He was so tiny when I got him, only 5-weeks old and barely the size of my hand. I struggled looking for other Scottish monikers that would suit until I ran across the ideal name for this delightful, spunky little soul who darted about on wobbly kitten paws like a drunken sailor, furiously and devotedly (and somewhat unwelcomely) attached his new “big brother,” Keegan.

The name Brodie is from the Scots Gaelic too, and it means “little brother.”

How perfect for him and his inquisitive, intrusive zeal for all of life (and particular fascination with Keegan). He is, in fact, Brodie Green Ferguson. “Green” is a middle name passed down among the men of my father’s family for over 200 years. Again, not entirely sure my father grasps my efforts to maintain the historic significance of the name.

Nicknames for my cats developed over the years, as they will, but it took me running across the Twitter meme to realize all the truly crazy things I call them. And I should add that unlike @metroadlib, I call them by their “proper names” probably much less than 7% of the time.

Dear Lord. Some of the things that come out of my mouth tossed in their directions, I have no idea of the origin, but they fit them perfectly and hey, they sometimes answer.

Keegan: Keegs, Mister, Sir Keegs-a-lot, Orange Guy, Keegles, Keeg-o-matic, Bruiser, Buster, BigandTallSizes, Dude, Dude-eronomy, Kittyface, Tawny Kit-taen, Oldest Child, My Heart, KittenySpears, KiddleKat, Couch Tiger, KeeganJamesIveToldYouTwiceDammit.

Brodie: Brodester, Brode-a-licious, Brode-a-luff-a-gus, Detective Inspector, D.I. Ferguson, Brodie-butt, Sweet Pea, Fluffernutter, The World’s Tiniest and Fluffiest Mountain Lion, Scooter, Scoot, Love Bug, Schmoop, Brodiestopthatrightnowyouheardmemister, Precious Heart.

Of course, this list continues to grow. And please, don’t let me forget, there are names for the two together, as well, like “Frick and Frack” and “Skittles and Bits.”

So tell me! What do you call your babies?

Cat Rules 101: Unauthorized Bed Making

Under no condition should a human make an unauthorized or solo attempt at the dangerous activity of bed making.

The changing of sheets is a highly perilous undertaking and should never be attempted unless sanctioned and directly supervised by a Licensed Feline Sheet Inspector.

The LFSI may require the human to make many ventures at sheet disbursement and application, critically gauging air density, fabric weight and electromagnetic resonance with skillful claw manipulations until they deem it is safe to risk finalizing the operation – before sealing the bed – and the world’s fate – with the blanket, comforter and pillows.

Please note LFSIs are highly trained and require complete cooperation to insure compliance with their rigorous code. This is for the safety and well-being of all living creatures and may potentially prevent global warming and the melting of the polar ice caps.

Home of the free…

because of the brave.

Thank you to those who have dedicated their lives to protecting our freedom.

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.

-John Fitzgerald Kennedy