Cat Rules 101: Feline Fight Club

(I’ve been out showing property since early this morning, so please indulge me with a repost – it was just highly appropriate to the conditions I found when I came home)

The first rule of Feline Fight Club…

“The first rule about fight club is you don’t talk about fight club.”

Cat Rules 101: Energy Efficiency

It is well known that cats are the world’s most energy-efficient creatures.

Being fully solar-powered, cats possess highly developed light-fueled batteries that with a minimum of 12-14 hours of daily charging, can power an adult cat in total darkness at speeds (dependent on terminal velocity and wind shear) upwards of Warp 6. (kindly refer to Cat Rules 101: 3 a.m. Zoomies)

Felines are so advanced in their absorption of energy that during a full daylight charge, they often remain motionless for hours at a time (see origins of word, “catatonic”) and may emit only an occasional “meep” or “mrap” which is an indication that batteries are approaching maximum fill and may need to be “topped off” with a final dose of a piscine-based protein fuel source for optimum speed and maneuverability.

Cat Rules 101: Search and Seizure

Due to the exigencies of the current Global Pandemic any Feline who has achieved the rank of Detective Inspector or higher must have immediate and unquestioned access to analyze and quarantine any suspect packaging.

Please show patience and respect during this process as it is to insure the safety, health and well-being of all involved.

Cat Rules 101: The Scourge of the Dread Vacuum Monster

The Vacuum Monster {ˈvakˌyo͞o(ə)m ˈmänstər}, or catattacus horriblis, is the hereditary enemy of all feline kind. While the Vacuum Monster has been tenuously domesticated by the cat’s human servants, the threat of this alien being, and its legendary reign of terror over living creatures is well documented and the feline must exercise all caution, even removing himself from its presence, in order to maintain from a position of safety, strict observation and monitoring, should the creature wrest control from its temporary restraints and bring havoc and destruction to the world.

Cat Rules 101: Unauthorized Bed Making

Under no condition should a human make an unauthorized or solo attempt at the dangerous activity of bed making.

The changing of sheets is a highly perilous undertaking and should never be attempted unless sanctioned and directly supervised by a Licensed Feline Sheet Inspector.

The LFSI may require the human to make many ventures at sheet disbursement and application, critically gauging air density, fabric weight and electromagnetic resonance with skillful claw manipulations until they deem it is safe to risk finalizing the operation – before sealing the bed – and the world’s fate – with the blanket, comforter and pillows.

Please note LFSIs are highly trained and require complete cooperation to insure compliance with their rigorous code. This is for the safety and well-being of all living creatures and may potentially prevent global warming and the melting of the polar ice caps.

Repost, Glorious Repost.

A repost: for your reading pleasure and my tenuous grasp on sanity.  From wayyyy back in 2015, I bring you an ode to my furry darlings.  Thanks for your patience (and continued support!)

International Cat Day – August 13, 2015

Several weeks ago, the world as we know it celebrated International Cat Day, a global celebration of our feline buddies.

While I was able to restrain myself from planning a parade or costumed ball, I thought I’d at least write a special post.

I currently don’t have much of a life outside of work, but I do have an overly-large collection of semi-“squee !!!” inducing photos of my hairy kids clogging the memory on my phone and some random thoughts on the cat psyche.

Voila. I’d rock out a tidy post and clear some photos from my phone cache at the same time.

(Do note that there’s a “Psych!” in the term “cat psyche” and it most likely won’t be coming from my mouth.)

And then…Saturday got away from me, as things tend to be doing a lot of lately, and the magical opportunity to laud my kitties passed.

::sigh::

Until I was forcefully reminded this evening by a 15-lb orange and white furby repeatedly head-butting his full body weight into my ankles…

::Ahem:: Pay attention to me. Now.

::Ahem:: Pay attention to me. Now.

that OHMIGOD, every day is International Cat Day in our house.

So in honor of the four-legged children of my heart, I would like to share some…hmmm…let’s call them “introspections,” that have recently come to me (with conveniently corroborating photos.)

This is the face of a cat. This is not the face of an innocent cat. There is no such thing.

This is the face of a cat. This is not the face of an innocent cat. There is no such thing.

Ditto

Ditto

I have learned that breakfast is not just the most important meal, but it is the most important thing.  Ever.  In the whole, wide world.  Breakfast in itself is so powerful a thing that it erases the memory of every other good thing that has ever happened in the history of time including dinner the night before (and all the breakfasts and dinners in the past) AND IS THE ONLY THING STANDING BETWEEN CIVILIZATION AND THE FORCES OF EVIL, GOD HELP US, WOMAN, OPEN THE DAMN CAN!!!

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I have learned that the act of eating breakfast is so exhaustive, it throws one immediately into a twenty-hour slumber.

I own a 1300-square foot, two-story loft.  I can’t move an inch without tripping over a cat.

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However, when the vacuum cleaner makes an appearance, I couldn’t round up a cat with a hooker and a stack of hundred dollar bills.

I want to know: is it really necessary to run ahead of me to the bathroom, especially in the middle of the night, bellowing the kitty version of “All’s Clear!”?

Make way, make way!

Make way, make way!

I’ve learned that not only do they watch TV when they think I’m not around…

Surfing, really?

Surfing, really?

But they watch really weird stuff.  With great absorption.

I draw the line at buying him a surfboard. Or little surf shorts. Or flip flops.

I draw the line at buying him a surfboard. Or little surf shorts. Or flip flops.

And they sit way too damn close to the TV.

You know if you sit that close, you'll put your eyes out.

You’ll put your eyes out.

If there’s an empty box, bag or handbag…

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There’s a cat to fill it.

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But they are always the best present.

As I’m sitting here writing, I have two warm, snugly little sweethearts curled up against me, grumbling slightly when I inconvenience them by shifting under their persistent burrowing, but fairly intent on deafening me with purrs.

And love.

So here’s to International Cat Day.  Today and every day.

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And to Keegan and Brodie, furkids extraordinaire, for being made of awesome.