Cat Rules 101: Energy Efficiency

It is well known that cats are the world’s most energy-efficient creatures.

Being fully solar-powered, cats possess highly developed light-fueled batteries that with a minimum of 12-14 hours of daily charging, can power an adult cat in total darkness at speeds (dependent on terminal velocity and wind shear) upwards of Warp 6. (kindly refer to Cat Rules 101: 3 a.m. Zoomies)

Felines are so advanced in their absorption of energy that during a full daylight charge, they often remain motionless for hours at a time (see origins of word, “catatonic”) and may emit only an occasional “meep” or “mrap” which is an indication that batteries are approaching maximum fill and may need to be “topped off” with a final dose of a piscine-based protein fuel source for optimum speed and maneuverability.

Cat Rules 101: Search and Seizure

Due to the exigencies of the current Global Pandemic any Feline who has achieved the rank of Detective Inspector or higher must have immediate and unquestioned access to analyze and quarantine any suspect packaging.

Please show patience and respect during this process as it is to insure the safety, health and well-being of all involved.

Cat Rules 101: The Scourge of the Dread Vacuum Monster

The Vacuum Monster {ˈvakˌyo͞o(ə)m ˈmänstər}, or catattacus horriblis, is the hereditary enemy of all feline kind. While the Vacuum Monster has been tenuously domesticated by the cat’s human servants, the threat of this alien being, and its legendary reign of terror over living creatures is well documented and the feline must exercise all caution, even removing himself from its presence, in order to maintain from a position of safety, strict observation and monitoring, should the creature wrest control from its temporary restraints and bring havoc and destruction to the world.

Cat Rules 101: Unauthorized Bed Making

Under no condition should a human make an unauthorized or solo attempt at the dangerous activity of bed making.

The changing of sheets is a highly perilous undertaking and should never be attempted unless sanctioned and directly supervised by a Licensed Feline Sheet Inspector.

The LFSI may require the human to make many ventures at sheet disbursement and application, critically gauging air density, fabric weight and electromagnetic resonance with skillful claw manipulations until they deem it is safe to risk finalizing the operation – before sealing the bed – and the world’s fate – with the blanket, comforter and pillows.

Please note LFSIs are highly trained and require complete cooperation to insure compliance with their rigorous code. This is for the safety and well-being of all living creatures and may potentially prevent global warming and the melting of the polar ice caps.