Cat Rules 101: Rule 71 – Staff Vacations

Rule 71 of the Cat Rules Compendium 101, addresses the issue of Staff Vacations.

Quite simply: the cat must not allow them.

The feline is to be constantly mindful that servitude is the greatest possible honor for the two-legged and is known by all to be a lifetime, 24/7/365 commitment. Humans should not be encouraged to “relax,” “vacation,” or “take time off,” since people training is typically challenging enough for even the most patient Cat Master and indulging lax behavior will undoubtedly take its toll on the cat’s hard-earned comfort.  Quite simply, there must be NO days off for staff.  Period.

Corollary 1 of Rule 71:  Disciplinary Action

While unpleasant, this is vital. Remember, spare the claw, spoil the human.

Should the disastrous happen, and the help fail to show for a mandated dinner service or affection shift, regardless of any “replacement staff” sent in their stead, the feline’s reaction must be swift and merciless to discipline the errant employee.

Upon the human’s return from any ungranted “leave,” the cat must immediately show his contempt for their irresponsibility.  The cat should shun any attempt to apologize or make up: they should not speak or display the slightest fondness or attention to the human.  This may be difficult as the employee, fearing job security, will likely abase themselves and grovel in an endearing fashion.

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(Note, if there is more than one Cat Master in the home, it is imperative they present a united front or the crafty human will attempt to circumvent behavioral correction by “dividing and conquering.”  Cats must stand united: weakness cannot be allowed.)

Should the staff member fail in their “retraining” and by their actions indicate a future unexcused absence, such as taking out a suitcase or folding clothing into piles, the feline must take extreme measures and cut off ALL freedom and privilege.

While tiresome and inconvenient for the Cat Master, this is the only way to properly discipline the servant and prevent future abandonment of their post.  The feline must rescind any personal privacy previously extended and relentlessly monitor the human’s every move.

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This “invasion” of the human’s “privacy” includes the human’s litter box time or instances when they exhibit their bizarre fascination for standing in the nasty rain closet, both exertions in which the human, apparently out of shame for their baldness, prefers to mask in secrecy.

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The human must be reminded that the cat is the one in control and freedom, once granted, may be taken back if the human has proven an unworthy steward.

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As a most drastic measure, the cat may even physically restrain the human with their body.

These actions, while extreme, are required if the feline is to maintain the God-granted superiority between the species and insure the continued comfort and luxury of their lifestyle. While it may be deemed by some as harsh, if done in a true spirit of education and enlightenment, without anger or resentment, it is truly a kindness and enacted in the best interests of the human.

He may live; but he can live only as the servant of others; compelled to perform such labor, and to perform it at such prices, as they may see fit to dictate.
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